13 Things I've been Doing Instead of Posting on the Blog

As I sit down after work with a bottle of Bogle Merlot that I purchased at Cumberland Farms ten minutes ago, I realize that I haven't posted in a very, very long time. I will also take this opportunity to tell you that Bogle is my go-to when the only stores still open are gas stations..

It's been quite a shit-show lately. To illustrate this point, In the past month I've:

1. Gone on an epic drinking bender that culminated in me almost being fired from two jobs in one day. It's amazing how much you can throw away in such a short period of time.

2. Started waiting tables at Miyake every Monday and Thursday. I've been working in restaurants my whole life and this is an entirely different experience than anything i've ever been a part of. It's amazing, just being routinely exposed to the kind of things that Masa and Shinji do - plus they make an amazing staff meal at the end of every shift.

3. Severely burnt my lip because I'm a fat drunk fuck and I couldn't wait for the Freschetta (topped with pepperoni and napalm) pizza to cool off. The problem with lip injuries is you have to force the story of how it happened on every person you see so they don't assume it's herpes.


4. Started doing a food feature in Maine Magazine, the first of which will be in the October issue. I've been prohibited from using the word fuck or referring to food in a graphic and erotic manner. Needless to say, I spend a lot of time staring blankly at the screen trying to figure out what to write.

5. Tracked down a life-size Billy Dee Williams cardboard cut-out advertising Colt 45 and the slogan "Works every time." It sits proudly in my living room and never fails to scare the living shit out of me when I come downstairs in the middle of the night to get something.

6. Made Braised Pig's Heart and Belly in the style that Chairman Mao enjoyed it most. He once said that "those who do not like chilies can never be revoloutionaries," so I made it so hot that my stomach revolted against me within an hour of consumption.


7. Managed to actually fuck my mouth up by eating too many atomic fireballs, which was awful and kind of embarassing. This severely inhibited my enjoyment of several amazing bottles of wine while watching "Young Guns 2."

8. Drank 5 bottles of wine on a Sunday and then did the world's most amazing intepretive dance to "Flash Gordon" by Queen. I was sore in all of my 2000 parts the next day..

9. Started watching Top Chef: Las Vegas. I have to admit, it's much better than last season. Gail Simmons makes me want to cut myself, and then Padma makes everything ok with the world again.. My prediction: Michael Voltaggio - He seems to have the best grasp of the Glad Family of Products and knows that the best soups start with Swanson Broth.


10. Decided to get an upside-down cross made out of bacon tattooed on my back.

11. Stumbled upon Ricky's Diner in Bridgeton on my way north to bartend a wedding, and had one of the best bowls of clam chowder I've ever had. It's one of those places that you gain 5 pounds every time you eat there but it's so fucking good so who cares? Also, 302 seems to be an ideal place to hit a yard sale and mingle with old people.

12. Discovered that I kind of enjoy wearing eyeliner. I feel like it walks the line between glam, goth, and totally gay. Plus it makes my eyes look amazing..

13. Become aware of the importance of cooking rice the right way, even though it's much more time consuming.