Drinking at Bars in Asian Restaurants #1 - Kon Asian Bistro

Welcome to the first of many posts where Dietz and I set out to get hammered on ridiculous drinks and sample the food at random Asian restaurant bars in the Greater Portland Area.

Kon Asian Bistro, located out by exit 8 on Brighton Avenue, occupies the spot formerly known as The Maine Super Buffet. I never made it out to the buffet during it's reign of terror, but I do recall a story told by someone who had...
It was a birthday party for what appeared to be a five year old. When it came time to open presents my friend witnessed the child open up a new Black and Decker Tool Set (probably purchased last minute across the street at Bradley's). Apparently the child seemed confused and the father seemed ecstatic... Nice.


Our companions for this venture were Nolan (Beer Buyer - Downeast Beverage), Molly (Avid Drinker), and Edna (Local Bartender). We stumbled in already half in the bag around 8 p.m...
The owners clearly invested alot into renovating the space. A big golden Buddha greets you as you enter. We head straight over to the illuminated bar which we decided, after a few more drinks, was made of magic. Immediately I declare that I love this place..
To start I select the "Man Tai," a Mai Tai with twice the booze. At this point I decide to fire up the voice recorder on my phone knowing that a blackout was iminent.
I order food for the group. Overall, the quality is excellent. I focused on hot apps, though the restaurant has a full sushi bar (and Habachi tables - next time).
We Had:
1. Indian Pancakes: Delicious little flatbreads with curry sauce.
2. Mini Beijing Duck: Everyone loved these, especially the doughy house made "mini buns" to wrap around the duck.
3. Kon Lettuce Wrap: I liked that the lettuce wrappers were perfect ovals. The filling was delicious, kind of reminded me of an egg roll (at least that's what I listened to myself say on the recording a day later..)
4. Gyoza: I haven't had many Gyoza that I haven't liked but these were exceptional. Great filling and a perfect crust on the outside.



5. Hot and Sour Soup: This was the most disapointing dish of the evening. Even though it showed up with an opulent golden spoon, it was neither hot nor sour.
6. Garlic Chilean Sea Bass: The fish was cooked perfectly, with a nice crispy crust. The accompanying soba noodles were a little overcooked.
7. Rock Shrimp: Oh My Fucking God... This is one of my new favorite dishes in Portland. Crispy fried rock shrimp doused in a kewpie mayo sriracha scallion sauce... Fuck.. We devoured 4 orders of these and I (after listening to the recording) declared that they were amazing about 15 times..
8. General Tso's Chicken: Had to order it and I was glad I did. Everything it should be - fried, sweet, spicy, and delicious.
9. Beef Negimaki: I liked these but Dietz was indifferent. They did have a little bit of a "home stir-fry kit taste," but I thought they were decent.

Halfway through all of this Dietz decides to officially send me spiraling into an abyss of drunken insanity by ordering a scorpion bowl. This enormous bowl of liquor tasted like exactly that, sucked through a foot long straw. Dietz also declared that we needed to drink the puddle of Bacardi 151 used to set the drink on fire - which didn't help my cause either. I tried to convince him to snort it, but to no avail.



The only problem with using magic as the material for your restaurant bar is that it clearly illuminates the mess you've made with the food. The prices are very reasonable, I think, I don't really remember.. I felt that I needed to try a regular Mai Tai after the dreaded scorpion bowl and the conversation began about the next move for the evening. I suggested the Strip Club but Edna protested, saying that Mondays are "Totally B-Team over there." Nolan and Molly decide (wisely) to call it a night. We somehow end up at Vignola (because if there's anyone who won't judge me for being such a fuck-up, it's Steve Sousa) where I barely get through saying hi to everyone before I decide that I have no business being in public... I am graciously escorted home where I open another bottle of wine, drink about a glass, and finally pass out..



I'm excited to go back to Kon, as I'm sure it will catch on as a place for strippers to go hang out and drink before and after their shift. Everyone wins here, because not only are strippers fun but they love to spend money and tip very well.

The only thing this place is missing is an opium den...

Pho At Home and Other Delightful Shit

Given a random Thursday night off I decide to hit the Asian markets and get into an rather involved cooking project: Pho.
I think I'm getting pretty close to dialing this one in at home. Obviously I don't have access to the master stocks that Vietnamese restaurants keep going for long periods of time, but I was happy with the results anyway.

To start the process you'll need to make stock. To me there's nothing more relaxing than getting stoned and doing this at a relaxed pace. Maybe wake up, get coffee, go to Pat's Meat Market to get supplies, and then come see me at Downeast Beverage where i'll provide you with one of my new favorite morning beverages - Fruit Beer. I know what you're thinking - "Magic Hat #9 sucks" or "I'm all set with Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde Ale now that I'm not in 8th grade anymore" - and I agree. These beers, however, changed my mind:

Dogfish Head Festina Peche, Delaware

You get the flavor of fresh peaches, while the beer is very tart and dry. Serve it ice cold with breakfast.. delicious.

Unibroue Ephemere Apple, Quebec
This reminds me of Unibroue Blanche de Chambly with a finish of Granny Smith Apples. French fries with good mayonaisse makes a perfect pairing - and I also like to drink it while I sit and stare blankly at my computer screen trying to figure out what the fuck I should blog about.

Now that you've got your frosty beverage, time to make stock.

5 lbs chicken necks
4 lbs pork necks
4 chicken feet (i'm not sure if this actually helps but I like to think it does)
3" piece of ginger, peeled and chopped into 3 pieces
4 scallions
1 head of garlic, halved
2 tbsp. black peppercorns
1 white onion, quartered


Rinse the necks and feet under cold water and place them in a large stockpot. Cover with cold water and bring just to a boil over medium high, skimming any shit that comes to the top as you go.
Add the ginger, scallions, onion, garlic, and peppercorns. Reduce heat to medium low and simmer partially covered for at least 4-5 hours. I often let it go 9 or 10.
Strain the stock and let it cool. Remove the layer of fat from the surface and freeze if not using within a day.
I like to portion the stock out into quarts and half quarts. The half quarts are perfect for preparing ramen noodles for a late night after-work snack.

For the Pho:

One Whole Chicken, cut into 4 pieces (try to have as much marrow exposed as you can -It makes the broth very rich)
3 quarts chicken stock
6 cloves
4 star anise
2 small cinnamon sticks
12 oz. dried galangal (thai ginger)
grilled ginger and onion (about 2 knobs ginger, 1 white onion)
1 package fresh rice noodles (you can get them at Haknuman Meanchey on forest ave.)
1 sliced white onion
picked cilantro
chopped scallions


For Garnish:
Vietnamese basil
fresh mung bean sprouts
lime wedges
hoisin sauce
sambal oelek
sliced chilis

Bundle the spices up in cheesecloth, as well as the ginger and onion (separately).
Place the chicken into the cold stock and bring to a boil over medium high, skimming any foam that rises to the surface.
Add the bundles of spices and ginger-onion and reduce to a simmer. I also toss in a pinch of salt. Cook for about an hour and a half, partially covered. Remove the chicken and set aside to cool, letting the broth continue to simmer.
Once cool enough to handle, pick all the meat off of the chicken. Strain the broth and return to a simmer. Salt to taste. Drop the rice noodles into the broth for about 30 seconds and then divide them into the bowls for serving.
Add chicken, white onion, scallions, and cilantro to each bowl. Ladle the hot broth into the bowl and serve with all of the garnishes.

I generally go to 3 different Asian markets to get my supplies:

Hong Kong Market - Congress St. Right Next to Dogfish Cafe
The go-to for any Chinese ingredients
Sun Market - Congress St. Near Norm's
Great for any Japanese needs
Haknuman Meanchey - Forest Ave Near Haggarty's
I like this market for Thai and Vietnamese items, as well as produce and meat (pork belly, tripe, feet, etc.)

What to drink with Pho:

I think that German riesling would be the obvious choice here. Some of my favorites:


2007 Donnhoff Estate Riesling, Nahe (about 25.99 retail)
I find it hard to believe that a riesling this good is only their "entry level." beautiful balance of sweetness and acidity with a haunting, lingering finish.

2004 C.H. Berres Riesling Spatlese Urziger Wurtzgarten, Mosel-Saar-Ruer (about 32.99 retail)
Similar to the Donnhoff but has a little more age on it. Rieslings from the Mosel tend to really show off elegant slate and lime peel characteristics and this wine is no exception.

2006 George Breuer Rudesheim Estate Riesling, Rheingau (about 19.99 retail)
This is a great wine to shut anyone up who tells you that they don't like riesling because they "don't like sweet wines." Brilliant acidity and notes of limes and petrol dominate here.

2006 Shafer Frohlick Riesling Spatlese, Nahe (About 39.99 retail)

One of the most interesting rieslings I've ever tasted. The nose hints at wet earth and mushrooms, and then the minute it hits your palate it explodes into life with limes and peaches (and yes, I just said it explodes in your mouth).

Some Upcoming Features on this blog:

1. Drinking at Bars in Asian Restaurants
Dietz and I will be getting hammered on ridiculous frozen drinks and sampling the food at Asian restaurants throughout the city. We will be accomanpanied by different guests in the restaurant and alcohol business each time.

2. Hot Dogs and Pretty Girls
I will be searching for the best Hot Dogs in Portland, while accompanied by pretty girls. What's not to like?

3. I will continue to translate the Press Herald reviews for you.

4. Another Review of Miyake (gets better every time)

...And as an extra bonus for actually fucking reading this far, I'll tell you about my Father's day brunch experience at Verillo's Restaurant:


"After getting very little sleep due to being a drunk bastard the night before, my day randomly begins at Walmart. I've been tipped off in a not-too-subtle fashion by my mother that my dad is currently in the market to purchase a gas powered weed-wacker. Immediately memories came flooding back of myself trying to negotiate the fucking electrical cord of the current weed-wacker around the maze of obstacles in my backyard growing up. I also started thinking of how much fun it used to be to weed-wack ant hills. So anyway, I'm at the fucking Walmart feeling like a pilgrim in an un-holy land and I can't find the weed-wacker section. I decide on a gift certificate in the shape of a mug that says "#1 DAD" on it. Perfect.
When my parents had suggested Verillo's (out by exit 8, across from what was previously known as Platinum Plus - now CJ's or something..) for brunch a few days prior, I knew it was perfect. I wouldn't know anybody there, the menu shouldn't present any significant obstacles for my parents or grandmother, and I could be in and out in without any excessive delays. I was told that they were doing a "father's day cookout buffet," though there promised to be nothing resembling an actual cookout going on at all.
The parking lot was a ghost town when I arrived, with the exception of a sky blue Buick and a gold Oldsmobile. As we roll in I question whether or not they are even open. The host/waiter seems to assume that we're lost because we're not over the age of 87. The dining room is quite large, with plastic lobsters and fish all over the walls. It has that musty old restaurant smell - that I actually find a bit comforting at times.
It is not until the waitress starts to take our order that my parents realize that this isn't actually a buffet at all. You get the options of Haddock, Chicken Parmesan, Prime Rib, Fried Chicken - White or Dark Meat, or BBQ Spareribs. They come with a soup, salad, and a side - 10.99. My mother immediately sets in with her usual modification shitshow - sub this for that?, what's in this?, well is it a good baked potato?, etc.. - and finally gets them to add cheese to her house salad and sub clam chowder for the soup of the day. My pulse races and I go into fight or flight mode as my father starts reaming the waitress out about "how we were told it was a buffet on the phone so that's what we expected...." I realize at this point that I'm actually pressing my face into the wine list and fantasizing about being anywhere else.
The waitress, who turned out be 65 but looked about 50, was actually fantastic. She was patient, efficient, nice, and could tell that I was about slit my wrists if I didn't get a drink. I shot-gunned 2 Sam Adams Boston Lagers and at this point I was able to calm down a bit. I ordered the Spareribs, soup of the day - cream of tomato, and salad with ranch dressing.
"You can always tell that a restaurant is good when alot of elderly people go there" my Mom said. While this is completely untrue I will admit that once I had a few drinks I did have a pretty good time enjoying the sheer ridiculousness of Verillo's."

Better Late Then Never: The Press Herald Strikes Again

Tastes and textures of Italy carry the day at Paciarino
Translation: I've Wandered into Another Dimension.

Not much registers with the senses at first as you push your fork around a dish of pasta at Paciarino, aside from the cute little curve of the house maccheroni – ridged and short tubes of pasta.

I can't hear anything, smell anything, or feel the weight of my fork as I vacantly push my food around on the plate. Boy, that little curve sure is cute... I wonder what it tastes like.. Hmmmm..

But a bite or two into your meal, the inner quiet is broken by a resounding encounter with good flavor and perfect texture.

HOLY LIVING FUCK! My neck snapped back and I almost fell out of my chair. My pulse starts to race and my entire world is thrown into a tornado of pasta and emotional turmoil... I have never encountered anything like this before in my life, this is going to change EVERYTHING.

A ragu di tonno, or tuna ragu sauce, registers its ferocity with hot pepper and the savor with salty rich tuna ($13.75). Cannelloni, wrapped in a sheet of pasta almost as diaphanous as a woman's stocking, bursts with creamy chopped chard and the tang of good Parmigiano Reggiano.

Ragu is Italian for Ragu, but don't let the funny words fool you. Once you've taken steps to unleash the ferocity of the Tuna in your Tonno Ragu you just may never look at Tuna when you order Tonno in a restaurant the same way ever again. The Canneloni reminds me of the good old days when I was so busy eating women's stockings that i had no time to review food. The chard was creamy like a young man's hamstrings.

Ravioli as plump as an overstuffed pillow encloses toothsome Maine shrimp and haddock, dense and yet irresistibly tender.

As plump as an overstuffed pillow that puts me to sleep where I have vivid and terrifying dreams of being chased by toothsome haddock..

The details carry the day in these straightforward dishes, while the thickness of the pasta and the resilience of the briefly cooked noodles provide a texture unique to the best rustic Italian cuisine.

The thickness of the pasta and the resilience of the briefly cooked noodles are NOT details, therefore they DO NOT carry the day..

Those tastes and textures almost erase the difficulty of hearing the waitress across a table. With any luck, you will have an indulgent table mate happy to repeat every word. Amid the painted brick walls and wood floors, the open, high-ceilinged space of Paciarino echoes with voices and noise.

The tastes and textures actually made the waitress louder, like some kind of culinary hearing-aid, while my food remained quiet as a church mouse. If you have any luck at all, you can annoy the living fuck out of the person next to you as they indulge your inability to pay attention and repeat every word the waitress says.

Still, with its large abstract paintings, the restaurant does give a feeling of space. The pale wood tables are set with placemats and wooden oblongs on which the variously decorated plates and bowls are set.

The oblongs carry the day here.

A wooden candlestick sits on a square of dark slate, its candle lighting the table until, as it did on our visit, the whole top of the candlestick quietly started to burn. The server whisked it away with an experienced sigh.

I always hate it when my server sighs in an inexperienced manner. I nodded knowingly to my dining companion as I listened to the experienced nature of the sigh. A wooden candlestick on a square of dark slate brought visions of blood and fire. As the whole top of the candlestick started to burn, my soul was aflame with the dark passions of women's stocking and creamy chard..

Fabiana De Savino and Enrico Barbiero opened Paciarino at the end of 2008 as a pasta shop. They still sell its packaged house pasta and sauces, along with a range of products from Frantoio di Sant'Agata d'Oneglia.

What's That? Something relevant? Holy Shit....

Little tins of olive oil from that producer, made with olives grown on the west coast of Liguria in northwestern Italy, are set on each table to pour on a plate for moistening the bread.

From what producer? The olive oil is made from Olives? Get the fuck out of town! They are set on each table to pour on a plate for moistening the bread, not for masturbating with.

My wine aficionado companions were eager to taste the 2007 Pala Crabilis ($8 a glass, $24 a bottle) from Sardinia, a favorite wine region. It proved remarkable, with a delightful finish and perfect acidity from the fragrant vermentino grape from which it was made.

Sardinia is a favorite wine region. Of whom I'm not sure. I'm glad it was able to achieve perfect acidity from the Vermentino grape, from which it was made, as opposed to inspired by.

The 2006 Terre de Trinci Sangiovese ($6 a glass, $23 a bottle) was pronounced a good rustic red table wine, perfect with a plate of maccheroni al ragu' di tonno. But one tablemate was disgruntled with the tumbler-like wine glasses, however authentic they may be.

I arose from my chair and began banging on my glass with my butter knife. When I had the entire room's attention, I raised my glass and declared my Sangiovese to be "Awesome with my plate of maccheroni al ragu (Italian for Ragu) di tonno (Italian for Tuna)." My table mate got his/her panties all up in a bunch about the juicey-juice glasses, and wouldn't shut the fuck up about how authentic they "may be." I forgave him/her however, because they helped me understand the waitress earlier.

Ten red and white wines and two dessert wines are all reasonable in price, with a splurge of $40 for a Tenuta Vitanza Rosso di Montalcino, the list's "baby Brunello."

Every list has a "Baby Brunello." Baby. Baby, You Gotta Splurge! Baby! Bitch!

From the antipasto list – perfectly situated on the menu before its nine pasta dishes – the torta salata della casa ($6.75) turned out that night to include a wedge of goat cheese tart, crumbly and delicate, and a slice of a tart made with greens such as Swiss chard and spinach, set in a slightly tangy custard. Too much nutmeg, pronounced one of us; but just enough for those who enjoy it in this northern Italian specialty.

The antipasto list was in a great position to shine.The torta salata della casa turned out that night to include a wedge of goat cheese tart, sasquatch root, fantasia fish, and friendship mushrooms. Once again I arose from my seat and started banging on my glass with the butter knife. Once I had everyone's attention, I declared that my shit turned out to be too "Nutmeggy." but just enough if any of you dumb motherfuckers enjoy it in this Northern Italian Specialty..

Crostini all'Italiana ($5.95) showcases the shop's tapenade, both from oily, intense black olives and creamier green. An artichoke pate and a goat cheese spread were more on the plate. But not-very-chewy plain white bread was not the best vehicle for them.

Nothin' like them Creamy Greens... Not-Very-Chewy bread is a traditional Italian favorite. Not-So-Much my favorite but what are you going to do?

Prosciutto crudo e melone ($11.75) doesn't shirk on expensive, mountain-air-dried ham, with several thin slices overlapping three fat wedges of cantaloupe, which improved after losing its refrigerated chill.

Prosciutto Crudo as You Know Makes Me Go Bonkers and Go with the Flow and Slap the Ho.

Next up was Cannelloni di Magro ($15.95), a generous serving of stuffed pasta rolls touched with a little cream and grated cheese. The stuffing of chopped, tender greens enrobed with cream was perfectly wonderful – even reheated,...that sin against fresh pasta, for lunch another day.

As I gently and tenderly de-robed the greens they started to shiver. I assured them that there was nothing to be afraid of..
I got all fucked up and tossed these bitches in the microwave later. Fucking Awesome!

The ravioli di pesce, seafood ravioli, ($16.95) had been made with chopped Maine shrimp and haddock as well as some ricotta. The utterly fresh stuffing inside the thin house pasta could not have been better – except that a deep red sauce of tomatoes, no doubt another Italian product artfully canned at full ripeness, offset the slight sweetness of the seafood with its own, more meaty flavor.

Pesce is Italian for "Fish." As I mentioned earlier, these terrifying little visions of fire were plump as an overstuffed pillow. Artfully canned, utterly fresh, and meaty..No doubt this shit was Italian!

Who could resist a return trip to taste the goat cheese ravioli ($14.75) or the ravioli made with ricotta and spinach served with Bolognese sauce? Even the simple dish of spaghetti, garlic, oil and peppery peperoncini appeals with its promise of high-quality ingredients.

The ravioli promised me that It would be good. I couldn't resist a return trip, I'll tell you - Once you pop, You can't stop. Peppery Peperoncini Pepperiness Peppers My Thoughts with Dreams of Peppadews.

Dessert was boccondivino ($7.25), espresso-soaked amaretto cookies sandwiching marscapone that crumbled in the mouth. One bittersweet chocolate chip on top of a heap of the marscapone in the middle of the plate made another exalted mouthful.

I've got an exalted mouthful for you. Sorry.

Vanilla gelato with strawberries and "balsamic cream" ($8.50) and Tiramisu ($7.25) are more reasons why, despite the low price of the entrees, dining inexpensively at this restaurant can be a challenge.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Espresso, nicely capped with its crema, finished the meal.

Somebody Kill Me Now.

A Journey Into the Sausage Party...

Here you go, the brilliant work of Ms. Katie Schier..I will post the full album on facebook.
I also would like to point out that I had an amazing meal at Caiola's last night. It was exactly what I needed to bring me back to life after, as you know, having my first drink at 9 a.m.

The Sausage Party

As I sit here at 9 in the morning and crack myself a Dogfish Aprihop I think to myself, "Hey! Since you think twitter is fucking stupid, why not write a blog about what you're doing RIGHT NOW?"
So off I go, blogging about Christ knows what, Already pitching myself head-first into another day of alcohol fueled madness. I do want to tell you about a party we had the other night at Deathmatch Land. The Sausage Party.

18 Guys. 0 Girls. 10 Courses of Sausage. Drew's H3. Journey. Pantera. A Dance Party. Things that outsiders would definitely consider pretty gay but we're all comfortable enough in our masculinity to know it was just "having fun."

There was no theme to the booze, everything from Donhoff Riesling to Cristom Pinot Noir to Tecate 24 oz. cans. Rob Todd from Allagash showed up and generously donated several 750ml of selections including Confluence and Black. Other highlights were the pony keg of EKU pilsner and several different smoked beers.

The Menu:
1st: Eurasian Devil Curry with Smoked Linguica - Joe
2nd: House-Made SPAM Nori Rolls - Brad
3rd: Franks and Beans with Cole Slaw - Gary
4th: House-Made Smoked Kielbasa with Pierogies - Otis
5th: Fried Yuca with Chorizo Filling - Dietz
6th: House-Made Brioche Baked Around Sausage - Nolan
7th: Chocolate and Chorizo paired with Pedro Ximinez Sherry - Arlin
8th: Sausage and Pepper Subs - Spencer
9th: "Sloppy Does" Venison Sausage Sloppy Joes - Eric
10th: Pork, Clam, and Black Bean Sausage - Jay

Around 9:30 I surprised the guys with Katie Schier showing up to do the photography. One of the best decisions I've ever made... Her lack of breasts made her fit right in, and she showed up wearing a skirt with images of penises all over it. She is an amazing photographer, as you will see when I post the pictures of myself posing Whitesnake-style on the hood of Drew's Hummer.
By midnight I was raw from sausage-induced orgasms.
So what's next, you ask?
The Clam Party, probably in July. All Girls. (with the exception of Dietz and myself, of course) All Clams. Probably a dance party. Probably a special gay male guest photographer. Probably me, per usual, leading a sing-along to "Don't Stop Believing"

Life's Amazing.

Tripe Soup, etc.

So I'm back to working 7 days a week again because when you're a wildly irresponsible human being with a penchant for excess you need to work three jobs to keep your head above water.
Normally I would have torn Nancy English to fucking pieces for her piss-poor review of Wild Willy's Burgers, but lucky for her I was too hungover to type. Plus, that would be a little repetitive. I will, however, tell you that an overwhelming taste of iron is not a priority for me when it comes to cheeseburgers.
Click Here for what I consider to be a great food review:

Currently I'm in the middle of making tripe soup for staff meal tonight at Local 188. I've come to the conclusion that you should always buy your tripe from an Asian market rather than Hannaford. I like Haknuman Meanchey on Forest Ave. The one time I got tripe from Hannaford it smelled like feces and will always be referred to as "The Poop Soup" incident.

Here's the Recipe for some kick-ass Tripe Soup

Juice of 3 Lemons
9 tablespoons butter
1 large onion, finely diced
8 cloves garlic, minced
¼ cup a.p. flour
2 cups dry white wine
2 ½ quarts chicken stock
2 lbs. beef tripe, cut into ½ inch dice
5 medium carrots, peeled and cut into ¼ inch dice
3 leeks, cut into ¼ inch dice
4 bay leaves
½ teaspoon chopped thyme leaves
pinch of cayenne pepper
3 large egg yolks
1 cup heavy cream
juice of 3-4 lemons
chopped parsley, for garnish.

photo by Erik Desjarlais
1. After you cut up the tripe, put it in a bowl and cover with cold water and juice of 3 lemons. Let it hang out while you mis en place the fuck out of the other stuff.
2. Melt the butter in a large stockpot over medium-low heat. Add the onion and garlic and sweat slowly until soft and translucent but not browned.
3. Add the flour and cook, stirring frequently, for 10-15 minutes to develop a nutty aroma (mmmm..) Do not let the fucking mixture brown. Whisk in the wine and increase the heat to medium. Add the stock and bring to a simmer, whisking often to make sure there are no lumps. Add the tripersons, carrots, leeks, bay leaves, and thyme. Simmer, covered, until the tripersons are as tender as you want, I go a little under 2 hours.
4. Combine the egg yolks and cream in a bowl and whisk to blend. Reduce the heat to low on the soup, then whisk in the egg mixture. Continue to cook, stirring the soup constantly, until it thickens slightly. Don’t let the soup get too hot you fucker or it will curdle. Remove the pot from the heat and season with s+p and lemon juice. Test as you go to reach the desired amount of lemoniliciousness. Season with salt, pepper, and cayenne. Remove bay leaves, garnish with chopped parsley. consume. cream in your pants. consume again.

What would you drink with it?
Good Question! Here are some ideas..
If You Want to Pair Up:

2007 Vina Godeval Godello, Valdeoras Spain.This obscure Spanish wine has amazing minerality to compliment the lemony notes of the soup.

If you don't give a shit and just want to murder some red wine with your soup:
2005 Stanley Lambert "The Silent Partner" Cabernet Sauvignon, Barossa, AustraliaBig, powerful, opulent, seductive, and reasonably priced. The wine to have when you're just straight down to "wreck some wine."

If you like beer:
Rogue Brewery Morimoto Soba AleKind of my favorite beer right now.

If you're on the wagon:
Jarritos MandarinIt's a fucking fiesta in a bottle every time. Every time.

Here's what your going to drink after you finished your soup:
Sauza Tres Generaciones PlataOn the rocks, I can't think of a better way to cart you off to oblivion..


I would now like to take the opportunity to point out that my Spencer, my fellow bloggerson over at Portrockcity, has falsely credited me with created what is quite possibly the most disgusting cocktail ever. I witnessed him rattle this monstrosity off the bartender at the white heart, and had to smell his burps after he drank it. Disgusting.

Press Herald Strikes Again - Joe's Boathouse

Joe's Boathouse, Where the Calamari Sets the Standard.
Translation: Joe's Boathouse, Where I Know What's Best For Everyone.

SOUTH PORTLAND — A recent Friday night at Joe's Boathouse started out well, after scoring a water-view table without reservations at 7:30 p.m. Joe's Boathouse has been a favorite restaurant of many Portland area folks for years, and of course the water-view seats are the first to fill up.
If you go to Joe's, try to score a water-view table with a water-view.
According to a server, the restaurant usually doesn't have a wait for a table now, but in summer it often does. The tables are not entirely booked by reservation. In the summer, customers willing to enjoy a drink on the side deck before dinner can relax while waiting for a table.
...Or customers unwilling to enjoy a drink can grow impatient and fucking lose it on the side deck while enjoying the water-views. The tables are not entirely booked by reservation, some are booked with magic, a server told me.

Tender fried calamari and a satisfactory seared tuna dinner were highlights of the meal, although the fish was served cold in the center. Both the tuna and a swordfish special were served cold in the center. Unfortunately, a return to the kitchen for the swordfish, while it raised the temperature, left the fish tough.
Seared Tuna Dinner, Is that a combo meal? My fish, also both the tuna and swordfish, were served cold in the center. A trip to the kitchen that I thought would teach the swordfish a lesson only made it tougher upon return. I proceeded to stab it with my steely knife but I just couldn't kill the beast.
No one on the restaurant staff had any insight to share about a French white wine called Louis Latour St. Veran ($28 a bottle) on the wine list, our server told us apologetically after we had asked about it.
That's because there isn't really a lot to say about soulless, crappy wine. I've got some insight for you - It's a cheap bottle of white burgundy, probably not worth discussing and/or drinking. You happy now?
She brought us a taste of the Veramonte Sauvignon Blanc ($6.50 by the glass, $29 by the bottle) from Chile, which seemed too sweet and citrusy to enjoy with the fish. Les Setilles, a French white burgundy ($30 a bottle) from Olivier Leflaive, proved clean and refreshing, although its modest blend only hinted at the glories of white Burgundy. And unfortunately, our questions about wine had delayed that first taste until after we had eaten most of our appetizers, because each question took a good while to answer.
It was a French White Burgundy as opposed to an Australian White Burgundy. The Veramonte Ca-Ca Sauvignon Blanc SEEMED too sweet and citrusy but that was merely an illusion. It proceeded to take me on a roller-coaster ride of lies and deception throughout the rest of the meal. "It's modest blend only hinted at the glories of white burgundy (and water-views)" What the fuck are you talking about? And, unfortunately our asinine questions about grocery store wine had annoyed people to the point that they wished we would just shut the fuck up and eat our goddamned appetizers.
The main room at Joe's Boathouse holds the bar and two levels filled with tables, allowing a view past the wharf for anyone inside. A long, covered side porch holds more tables beside a row of windows.
Floorplans are an important part of any food review.
On the night of our visit, glittering tugboats were nudging an emptied oil tanker off the dock and back to sea. Shrouded boats still crowd the parking lot, but it had been warm enough for folks to settle into the side porch outside during happy hour and enjoy the sea air. Dinner al fresco might be delayed until a little later in the season, although one noble pair began the evening on the deck before coming back inside.
AHOY! This paragraph alone makes me want to throw my computer through a window. I challenge anyone to find one relevant remark here, anything.. tugboats, shrouded boats, NOBLE COUPLES? oh my god...
The calamari ($11.95) sets a standard and remains a kind of institution in itself, like Fore Street's mussels. Just how does the kitchen manage to fry those crisp squid rings and tentacles so very deep golden brown and still keep them tender?
Anointed with balsamic vinegar and sprinkled with chopped red onion and dry, grated Parmesan, the sweet, sour and salty flavors make a chorus in the mouth that perfectly harmonizes.
If you'd read the title, you would already know that the Calamari sets the standard. It remains only kind of an institution, kind of like Fore Street's mussels - which should be discussed in a review of Fore Street. Just how do they? In a deep fryer you moron. I'll anoint you with some sweet, sour, and salty flavors that will perfectly harmonize in your mouth... Sorry.
Lobster bisque ($9.95), on the other hand, was ill-served by a thick consistency. The tang of sea and mineral intensity of some bisques was muted in this version, but it was graced by a few good-sized pieces of lobster.
Not so much of an institution was the lobster bisque, which isn't like Fore Street's mussels at all. The server was very rude when I tried to send it back and order some of Fore Street's mussels instead, because they compliment my water-views.
The center of the rare tuna ($23.95), as deep-pink as a hanging-basket fuchsia, was cold, and my companion chose to keep it that way. It resembled a kind of sushi dinner, and assorted well with the also-cold, perhaps just out of the refrigerator, mango salsa or salad, with barely ripe mango.
Anyone having deja-vu? My rare tuna dinner resembled kind of a sushi dinner, that resembled a hanging basket fuschia, that must have been in the fridge, that's why it was so cold - because refrigerators are cold and fuschia's are pink and I forgot to take my meds this morning...
But a cold-in-the-center piece of swordfish ($24.95) registered as odd, and the server agreed that it was intended to be cooked through. Off it went, to return hot and, unfortunately, too tough to enjoy. A relish or salsa of Maine shrimp and tomatoes set on top was also cold.
My keen senses allowed me to come to the conclusion that cold swordfish was odd. I validated myself by getting the server to agree with me. We both came to the conclusion that this naughty little piece of fish needed to go cool it's heels a little in the kitchen. Oh, but that journey proved to be disasterous. Upon return my fish was tough. It registered to me that tough swordfish is kind of odd as well. I called my trusty server over who, once again, agreed with me. It was at this moment that I knew I should review food professionally, because the things I say are brilliant and the world needs to know!
Better on both plates and also chewy and hot was the side of "multigrain," a mix of white rice, corn and barley. The chewier bits of a narrow brown grain certainly gave the dish its best ingredient.
(see above)
Filet mignon ($24.95) with shaved fried onions, Thai curry scallops ($23.95) on rice noodles topped with fried wontons, and haddock Gabrielle ($22.95), "topped with cheddar crumb topping and sauted Maine shrimp and lobster sauce," are more on the entree list.
More on the entree list than what? The appetizer list?
Izzy's Cheesecake white chocolate and blueberry cheesecake ($5.95) was on a recent menu for dessert. On other nights the restaurant might offer a carrot cake or other baked good from Katie Made, a bakery in Portland that provides desserts for Maine restaurants.
Izzy's Cheesecake Cheesecake is my Favorite Cheesecake to enjoy with water-views. The other desserts on the list including desserts from someone who provides desserts for restaurant dessert lists.
The one dessert made at Joe's Boathouse the night of my visit was Key lime pie ($5.95) – and this version was slightly tart and thoroughly sweet. A fringe of canned whipped topping and decoration of unpleasantly flavored green syrup contributed nothing but the look of synthetic ingredients to the plate.
My keen senses allowed me to register that the green syrup looked synthetic. I nodded knowingly to my 4 year old dining companion and called the server over. The server agreed with me and I sat there quietly for several minutes, basking in the certainty that I truly was born to review food....